As society’s conversations about abusive relationships and sexual violence continue to improve, you might still find it hard to bring it up with your teen. If you are thinking, “How on earth do I talk with my teen about dating violence? Are they too young? How do I keep communication open?” read on! Here’s how to discuss teen dating violence with the youth in your life, starting with the basics. 

What’s the difference between dating violence and bullying? 

It’s important first to understand how bullying and dating violence overlap and how they’re distinct. 

It is “dating violence” when these harms are perpetrated in a romantic or sexual relationship. The dynamics of such a relationship can make it easier for one partner to manipulate the other. For example, gendered expectations and assumptions can allow a person to pressure their partner into sex acts they don’t want to participate in without anyone labeling it as abuse, even the victim themselves. 

What gets labeled as bullying is often really harassment: when someone is hurt, humiliated, or belittled through repeated verbal abuse, social exclusion, or violence. 

Teens don’t always recognize the aspects of dating violence that are more emotional or psychological, but it’s all incredibly harmful and always unacceptable. 

How can I introduce the topic to my teen? 

Try shedding any ideas about having  “a talk” with your teen because dating violence and healthy relationships can’t be covered in one 30-minute chat. Instead, expect to have multiple conversations about these issues. Each can grow and develop with your teen and include things they may already be thinking about. 

Consider the TV shows they watch, the music they listen to, and the celebrity gossip that might be relevant to them. You can start with questions: “What do you know about dating violence? What do you think a healthy relationship should look or feel like? What about an unhealthy relationship? What do you think about the most recent season of You?”. The things they share can shape the conversation.

Ask how you can best support them if they experience harm and if they want to learn about resources and people they can talk to. Remind them that even if they aren’t experiencing dating violence, these resources can equip them to help their friends.

Open communication can be the most important thing here. Telling young people not to do something only encourages secrecy. Give your teen some autonomy. Empower them with information, and let them know you’re there if they ever want to talk!

What should I keep in mind during these conversations? 

According to research, 1 in 3 teens will experience an abusive or unhealthy relationship. It’s an alarming number, but it also shows how abusive behaviors are often normalized in early relationships. Many young people in harmful situations don’t equate their partners’ behaviors with abuse. They think: “Well, they were just angry,” or “They just love me so much,” or “I shouldn’t have done what I did to upset them.” These thoughts are common, making it critical for adults to model positive relationships and have explicit conversations about what healthy partnerships look like. 

You can also consider the different ways teens connect. In conversations about consent and respectful communication, think about what that looks like in person and online. It’s worth mentioning that the same principles apply. 

What are the prevention basics that my teen should know?

Our sexual harm Prevention Education team finds that teens feel empowered knowing what they should be doing instead of what they should fear. Help your teen understand that healthy romantic relationships are based on mutual trust, communication, respect, and care. The more we normalize healthy practices, the more harmful behavior will stand out. 

It’s also important to create a culture of compassion, empathy, and openness with your child. Try to encourage them to do the same with their friends. CAASE likes to remind students that even if they aren’t experiencing harm at this moment, they can be contributing to changing a culture that often allows sexual harm to occur. If they know what to look for, your teen might be able to help a friend or classmate someday!

I think my teen is being abused. How can I talk to them?

Having negative feelings is completely normal and valid if you think someone is being hurt, but for the sake of keeping communication open, don’t let these emotions control the conversation. If your teen senses you’re angry, they might feel as though they’ve done something wrong or as though they shouldn’t have opened up to you. Show you’re a source of love, security, and support. Remind your teen that any harm they’re experiencing is not their fault and that they don’t deserve it. Ever. 

Your teen might be open to talking to someone else about what they are going through, too. Have options for support ready to share, like the National Dating Abuse Helpline (including texting) for teens from Love Is Respect,  the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and the RAINN hotline. You can also find a list of resources for survivors in Chicago here. 

Have patience and practice empathy: Ending a relationship is hard. Even if it seems like the obvious thing to do, it may be difficult for your teen. Understand that they might continue to express love for their abusive partner or sadness about the end of the relationship. Take these feelings seriously and treat them with compassion. While you urgently want to keep your child safe, you need to be receptive to the different ways victims react. That being said, if you believe your teen is in immediate danger, it may be best to contact mental health professionals for counseling, school administrators about protections on campus, or law enforcement for support handling the situation.

Continuing the Conversation 

Teens always benefit from having adults in their lives that are willing to have real, honest talks. Knowing someone will listen without judgment and provide support makes a world of difference! Conversations that start at home lay a solid foundation for learning in other parts of their lives, too.

School Prevention Education programs can help your teen and their classmates expand their knowledge and stand against sexual harm. Participants in our Chicago workshops learn to think critically about gender, consent, and boundaries. They also learn to recognize the realities of the commercial sex trade and sex trafficking. Learn about scheduling these innovative and engaging workshops at no cost to students or support our impactful programs by donating today.

KT Hawbaker authored this piece from interviews with our Prevention Education team. Hayley Forrestal edited the blog post. Learn more about our staff here.